LIVING IN A RAINBOW CITY? NOT

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Well well well.. I'm sitting here, bored. How to call him. I'm in malaysia yea, but i still can find ways right..? Needa communicate D; I'm dying, dying dying dying. sighhh... So alone. No audi. No mummy. No piglet. Came here to do my hair. But guess what..? Words to describe it are.. Starting with a letter H. Hideous. Horrible.

LOVE&JOY
«5:10 PM»

Y

Monday, June 15, 2009

Sad, when are you ever coming back..?
I'm having weird dreams, and im unable to differentiate whats true and whats not.
Don't leave me alone.. I can’t stand up again.. Just let me see you for a second..

Saturday.
Woke up late, because i dreamt of him. Thought it was real. Nevertheless, i didnt want to end the dream, hence waking up late. Woke up in disappointment. Only had 15 minutes to prepare (says mother) Went for breakfast near cousins' house. (why do i ever have to do this..?) Cousins' house (why, why, why..??) Made felt cards. (memories of the past... Once again flooding back.. Ever since i told myself not to involve myself in crafts again)

Made of scrap felt my cousin had..

The one on the left is given to my cousin.

One more i made after i took that picture.
p.s. The background is a paper with a map.

After that, went to Pasir Ris Park. My cousins' house was at jurong west, so had to travel to the other end of singapore. It was my brother and my first time there. There were my mother's colleagues, so we were strangers..

I dont like this angle, it feels rather uncomfortable.

I like that tree right there. But im a really lousy photographer.

BBQed throughout the night.. Left at 10.25pm. Went to the MRT station. (mother's colleague sent us there) Boarded the train at 10.30. Sad enough, my phone had no more battery. I could've sent him a few messages or so about my day... Saw many couples.. But the feeling is dead.. I dont wanna feel it.. Dont want to be envious anymore. I take charge of my own feelings, my emotions. A weird and sleepless night followed...

Sunday
Went to takashimaya...
Bought so much to eat... I stuffed myself.. Sticked to being positive. But my back really hurt.. Usually occurs in old people.. Rather weird... We were just walking, and i was trying really hard to randomise my thoughts... Then i saw this piglet. Its the size of.... Well, it can sit on my chair. Just nice. So its rather huge.. I dont even know why i asked my mother to buy it for me.. I was in a rather good mood then. So, she said if there were anymore extra stock, then i could. But there wasnt. Pretty sad huh, but she said if she sees one, she would buy it. (why is she really being so nice these days..? **rhetorical question**)

There it is.. I like the fact that her eyes are brown.
His eyes are brown too. Sigh....

Went home.. Around six.. This time things got really sad.. (Whats happening...? We were so good, once.. As a threesome. I guess, this is what happens when i dont cherish things. Did i not..? Or was it really not enough..? Even what once seemed to be so perfect is falling apart) Looked for the seashells i found the day before.. Picked out what i wanted or what i do not want.

These are the ones i picked. The small ones are really pretty..

And then, these are the remaining. With soggy tissue paper because i put the washed shells on the tissue paper straight away.

Finally, i decided to add in some more. Besides, i did filter them out from those at the beach.

So, sometimes it really seems that it depends how you look at things.. If you change your thinking, what you feel are flaws might turn out to be what makes them unique.

Today
Nothing much today. Just the computer and i. Literally. Im not talking to anyone. Its not that im trying to be antisocial. I just dont feel like it. Maybe i trip to the bookstore later..? Perhaps.

LOVE&JOY
«10:34 AM»

Y

Friday, June 12, 2009

Stop saying nothing will last.
Stop saying nothing is forever.
Anything to do with it,
STOP!
I'm sorry, but this has got NOTHING to do with my classmates.
Its people outside kay..??
Stop telling me that whatever wont last.
At least i get to cherish the moments.
At least i felt it.
Not like you people constantly craving for things you dont already have.
Look at what you ALREADY own.
You dont "predict" things when you dont handle your life properly.
Dont talk to me.
Just.
Go away.

LOVE&JOY
«8:36 PM»

Y

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Its all over now,
Right...?
I shouldnt have shown my true emotions.
Emotional outbreak.
Should have listened to my instincts.
Should not have shown what is inside.
Even to him.
Making people feel helpless..
Its not what i wanna do..
But dont tell me your life is far worse,
I'll never accept that..
Thats not true, okay..?

LOVE&JOY
«1:50 PM»

Y

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I guess, why i got a C for civics and moral education was that.. Pure knowledge doesnt count... Actions should've been there... And.. Whats past is past.. Should i start everything over once again....?

LOVE&JOY
«5:19 PM»

Y

So many words to say, yet i dont really feel like saying it...
First off... You people really dont understand me. I'm not trying to show off, but face it. I dont have the mind of a teenager. No matter how much i explain it, you people would just, kind of give me advice. But have you actually thought, what went through my mind when you say those words, when i keep quiet..? Think about it. I'm not the kind of teenager who never think about reality. Have you ever thought that i, had actually did those before. I dont want to explain this to every single person who tries giving me advice. Please. I did what i can do. My flaws, i changed. All of you told me that i gave that annoying look. Yes, i changed that. The boys used to hate me alot. Yes, i changed too. You told me i only seeked sweekheng only when i needed her. Okay, i steered clear. I learnt from my mistakes. I thought before i did. I saw what you people didnt like. I got over what normal people wouldnt. Find this amusing, hilarious or lame then i'd say you're really naive. Dont tell me okay..? Dont ask me what my problem is. Some people say i should keep it to myself. Yet some people told me to tell them. Here it is. All the while, i laughed when im actually sad, held anger inside. I know people are worse. The reason why i wrote this is not to insult. I never meant it that way. But please, i've did whats there to do. I've held this for so long. I kept my feelings because i didnt want to make my problem all of yours. Its only my problem, im not saying that you people (some) are busybody, but actually that you would never know the feeling of being there. Counsellor..? No. You just study children and teenagers. You feel the outside hurt. Thats all. But you're not there to feel that every second in that place. I know you can put yourself in our shoes, but its just not the same. Being there itself lets you experience the hardest of the moments. Being so alone when nobody understands. Nobody understands anybody. True. Simply true. But i still feel some people say it for the wrong reasons. They just say it due to minor reasons. Not saying mine is major. Yet again. Look at yourself before you give advice. Have you actually gone through what i gone through..? When you say your life is unfair, do you actually open your eyes to see that there are many who feel the same way..? And what about those that never complained a single word about their hard life. They're humble, hence its hard to attain advice. You get advice from yourself. From your own experience okay..? Dont tell me to tell you. You hear my story, and all you can is say oh. Because you think your own story is much worse isnt it..? Sad to say, i do not exist to compare. You accept yourself before telling others what to do. I've seen people being selfish. Hurting others to save themselves. And so i dont do that. Can you see..? What is genuine and what is not can be seen. You people are teenagers, you dont see. But teachers do. I dont know how they do it, but they manage to see whether you are truely frustrated or stressed inside and giving fake smiles or not. I'm not trying to say that my life is the most complicated one. They are far worse. So please, for many people, stop saying this "my life is worse than yours ............. " I'm not interested okay..? You think about others before saying something. Ever thought that it would hurt someone when actually, their life is much worse..? If you claim to pity yourself and yet again tell your story, then it would hurt those who are in poorer positions. You claim that you pity yourself, in a better life, hence pitying them as well. Look at justice. Look at the world. Does it actually still exist anymore..? Just selfishness and greed. Say that you can do nothing, but if you actually stop being so selfcentered, then you can look at the world in a very different way. I dont even know why i had a C for civics and moral education. Also known as being able to spot what is right and what is wrong. Do i not know what is wrong and what is not..? Do i not understand justice, rights equality, moral reciprocity, and reconstructed my knowledge of the world. Look, not everyone is ordinary. Its ridiculous when some people randomly say they are hiding behind a smile. That ONLY applies to incidents when someone is told of your story (from someone else) and gets a really big shock about what you actually face. Now, THAT is hiding. When you can actually deceive without a fault. Once again, THIS POST IS NOT MEAN TO BE RUDE.

LOVE&JOY
«4:27 PM»

Y

Monday, June 1, 2009

REASONS WHY IT IS MY FAULT:
I DID NOT GIVE HIM HIS FREEDOM
I DID NOT ALLOW HIM TO BE WITH HIS FRIENDS
I WAS UPSET WHEN HE DIDNT REPLY
I IGNORED HIM WHEN I PLAY AUDI.
I OVERLOOKED HIS GOOD POINTS
I DIDNT BOTHER ABOUT WHAT HE DID
I ONLY BOTHERED ABOUT WHAT HE DID NOT DO.
I DID NOT GIVE HIM TIME TO SPEND WITH HIMSELF
I DIDNT LET HIM SLEEP IN CLASS
I DIDNT ALLOW IT WHEN HE DOES DO THINGS I ASKED HIM TO
I ASKED FOR TOO MUCH
I BLAMED HIM TOO MUCH
I HAD TOO MUCH OF HIGH EXPECTATIONS
I WANTED TO GIVE UP EASILY
I GET TIRED EASILY
I AM OVER PARANOID
I WAS (AM) TOO SELFISH AS TO KEEP HIM FOR MYSELF
I NEGLECTED EVERYTHING ELSE OF HIS
I DIDNT FULFILL WHAT HE WANTED
**TO BE CONTINUED**
RECLAIMER: THE ABOVE INFORMATION MAY NOT BE 100% TRUE.

LOVE&JOY
«1:46 PM»

Y